fic4

UNTITLED by Ayumie

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PART 1 -- PART 2

Stretching languidly I suppress a small yawn. Women are the thing I miss most. With Hirose and Akihito far away I always could amuse myself all I wanted, protected by the guise of a spiritual advisor of Queen Isabella. Ah, such splendid days ...
Now all I can do is keep myself one or two mistresses in the city and visit them with masked face. But Hirose knows though I'm sure that he can't prove it yet. Yes, Hirose knows... I almost fall onto the floor as the carriage starts to sway and suddenly rumples to a halt. What the hell is going on?! Whoops. A good priest doesn't swear, does he? The horse-boy appears in front of the window, looking quite distressed. "The wheel is broken, my Lord. The coachman says that he'll be able to repair it but it might take a while. I'm sorry my Lord but I have to ask you to get out - the coachman says he needs the carriage empty." Forgetting about my good manners for the moment I curse under my breath as I climb out of the vehicle. Why now?! Angrily shooing the panic-stricken horse-boy away I declare that I want to go for a walk. If I have to get my boots muddy I might as well pretend that it was for a pleasant pastime.
Annoyed I stamp down a path that leads me into the woods to my right, my eyes closed to the beauty of nature. I don't want to be here. I want to be in the town where I can sleep in a soft bed and have a nice cup of warm wine. Angrily kicking a small stone out of my way I discover a strange light on my left. Intrigued I draw closer, pushing branches and leaves aside to see what is in front of me. I almost fall to the ground as I realize just what I'm looking at. This ... is impossible.
The small clearing in front of me is flooded with a soft, warm light, a light that obviously comes from the small figure that stands under the trees.
Angel....
Strong, white wings are shining brightly in the semi-darkness of the shadows, the gentle face of a boy hovering right between them. For the first time in my entire live I feel true humility, the urgent wish to worship that only the knowledge that one is confronted with something undeniably sacred bring forth. It takes quite some time until I take notice of the rest of the boy's - the angel's - body but it is just as perfect as his face and wings. But he is too far away... much too far away... Carefully I step closer, wanting to see more of him, to touch him to embrace him. I never dreamed such a perfect being existed. An angel .... my angel. Have to get closer... closer...
All of a sudden the angel's head snaps up and he's looking right into my eyes. Such beauty. His face is perfectly symmetrical, full yet well-shaped lips, a narrow nose and eyes that have me gasping for breath. His skin has a wonderful warm bronze tone. Sun-kissed. Dazzled by that celestial light I close my eyes for the split of a second and when I open them again the angel is gone ... just gone.
My throat is constricting, a small sob breaking free.
No, don't go!! Angel...
Izumi Frantically flapping my wings I soar higher and higher, all the time suppressing the turmoil inside of me. I have been seen. I HAVE BEEN SEEN!!! And I hadn't even permission to fly to earth! How could I let this happen?! This is horrible! HORRIBLE!! I'm sure I'll be punished for this. Oh, I was an idiot to let my guard down like this! Well, probably I just thought that after my little excursions to earth have remained unnoticed for years nothing would happen to me. A fatal mistake.
I shudder as I remember the awestruck face of the human. I've never been so close to one of them before. He was so very ... mortal. His body was changing with every second, cells dying and being built even as I watched. This body - this human body that stood so close to me will die! In less than one hundred years this body won't exist any more!
When I reach the gates of heaven an escort of four Seraphim awaits me. I am to be brought to Gabriel, the archangel in charge, immediately. Head bowed I walk between my silent guardians, the divine aura of heaven adding to my bad conscience. How could I have been so irresponsible to go down to earth on my own? I should have known that nothing good would come out of it! Finally we have reached our destination, the archangel's stern face intensifying my fear. He doesn't look really angry but worried and a little sad and utterly determined to do the right thing. "You know that what you did was wrong, don't you?" I nod my head, tears of shame stinging in my eyes. Gabriel sighs softly then lifts his hands to announce my punishment. "You have gone down to earth without permission. You have violated heaven's law on a regular basis and even worse, you've let yourself be seen by a human. We can't approve of this and we can't let you go unpunished. Now listen to our judgement: From this day on until the council of angel will have met fifty times you are banned from heaven. You will be given a human body and live among mortals on the planet you so love and when your time is over you will know death and rebirth just as they do. Go now. You can't stay here any longer but know that we love you and we will mourn your loss as much as we will be happy about your return. You are and will always be our brother. No. Tears are running down my cheeks and I wish I could throw myself to Gabriel's feet but I can already feel myself getting weaker. Still not really understanding what is going on I turn around and run, desperate to reach heaven's gates before the transformation is complete. Spreading my wings I throw myself into the air, quickly descending to my blue planet.
My wings are constantly getting smaller, slowly disintegrating even as I'm flapping desperately to keep myself from gaining too much speed. My body is changing too, getting more compact and imprisoning with every second that passes. A few meters above the ground my wings disappear completely and I crash down, sobbing softly as I draw my first shuddering breath. I'm breathing! I'm actually breathing air!! And I'm aching all over, bruises forming even as I watch. Why, of course they do, some reasonable part of my mind mocks, your new body is made of flesh and blood after all. I am human now, ain't I? My mind is swimming, unable to put up with that sudden, dramatic change of situation. Mere hours ago I was still in heaven, laughing happily with my brothers and sisters. I'm feeling strange, almost sick now and powerless in a way I've never felt before. Gathering my strength I lift my head and look around, wincing at I realize how gray and desolate this place is. God can't mean for me to stay here for 50 councils, can he? This ... this is too cruel.
All of a sudden someone is beside me and I find myself being pulled against a warm body. Who?! Looking up I realize that it is the man that has watched me this morning. I could resist now, fight him because of that blasphemous touch but it is so good to be close to someone, to be held and comforted and lifted into a warm carriage. Shivering against the coarse fabric of his robe I realize that I'm almost naked, only a few straps of cloth wrapped strategically around my body. Well, I am - was - an angel. Why would I wear clothes?
He is still holding me in his arms, muttering soothing words and drying my cheeks with his sleeve. I cling tighter to him as the carriage starts to move, the multitude of unknown sounds and feels, scaring me beyond reason. Years in heaven didn't seem to last as long as these minutes in the carriage but his hand is stroking my hair and after some time I even feel quite at ease. He will take care of me, he has promised it. When the carriage finally comes to a halt I find myself wishing that it would go on. No matter how short the time we have spent here, for these few minutes it was my world. With gentle force he wraps a cloak around me, covering my nakedness and shielding me from the cold. He lifts me up again and carries me towards a small house. This is where he is living? But ... I won't be seeing the sky. Resting my head against his shoulder I let myself be carried up the stairs despite the sense of despair that overcomes me as the starry night is being replaced by a plain wooden ceiling. Finally I'm laid down onto a soft bed, my savior sitting down right beside me. He's unspeakably beautiful. He's even closer to me now than he was back in the forest, his long white hair falling into his face and making it seem even more mysterious. He is smiling and timidly I smile back though I'm still not quite sure what to make of all of this.
All of a sudden my stomach gives a low rumble and I blush furiously, embarrassed by this indecent sound. My savior jumps up immediately, walking to the door and ringing a little bell. "You are hungry, aren't you? Please excuse that I didn't think about this earlier. I should have asked for something to eat in the second we arrived." For a moment I just stare blankly at him. Hungry? Then I finally remember - yes, humans have to rely on bound energy in form of food, haven't they? Could it be that this slight discomfort I've been feeling all along is hunger? Now that I think about it this seems quite logical. Of course my body is starved from its recent transformation, a vast amount of energy having been taken from it.
He doesn't seem too surprised that I don't answer but continues to order servants to bring things I've never heard of before, obviously doing his best to make me comfortable. So kind.
Finally a tray with a bowl of something hot and liquid and some other dishes on it is brought in and placed right beside me, the servants retreating as quietly as they have come. My savior hands me the bowl first, together with some metallic device - a spoon if memory serves. Having never eaten before I look insecurely at the things in my hands, not entirely sure of how to use them. Then it's back to the good old trial and error, I guess. I must appear pretty clumsy I realize, and am probably holding that spoon thing in a wrong way, for my savior suppresses a laugh and quickly takes it from me. But I am still hungry! Only when he starts to feed me I understand. Yummy. Now that I don't have to bother with those impractical tools any longer it tastes even more delicious. Of course having to be fed is lightly embarrassing but who cares? There's nobody here but him anyway. When finally the last morsel of food has disappeared in my mouth I feel full up in a way I've never felt before. I just hope I'll be able to remember the names of the things I've eaten so that I'll be able to ask for them tomorrow.
He has put one of his arms around my waist and pulled me closer long ago and now I'm resting comfortably against him, head pillowed against his shoulder. He is looking intently at my lips, a strange expression on his face. Is there anything wrong? Almost unconsciously my tongue sneaks out and licks over my lips to check if there are any leftover crumbs I don't know of. I blush furiously as he mimics this gestures though I don't know why I'm suddenly so nervous. Is there any deeper meaning to this?
All of a sudden he leans down and touches his mouth to mine, ever so gently urging me to open it to his questing tongue. With a small gasp I eventually give in. Mmmh, why have I ever resisted? My whole body is tingling, his moist lips and tongue sending shocks of sensations down my spine. But what exactly is this? Another way of communication? A strange ritual I don't know of? Well, at least my new body seems to know exactly what to do for it proves quite uncontrollable, arching against him and doing everything to get closer to him. But this does feel good.
From one second to the other he pulls back and scrambles out of the bed, looking almost hysterical. He babbles something about me being surely exhausted and wanting to rest then quickly leaves the room. What is this all about? It felt so good to have him close to me. I don't understand why he can't stay.
Back in heaven I have scarcely been alone. Except for my excursions to earth there have always been others around, the loving, unobtrusive presence of my brothers and sisters soothing me and keeping me from feeling lost. Now in this crude human room I'm for the first time all alone. I weep silently as I realize that even God has abandoned me, his warm, comforting presence in the back of my mind just no longer there. But doesn't he love me anymore? Struggling out of the long cloak I've been wrapped into I slip between the sheets and draw my legs against my chest, sobbing helplessly as I wrap my arms around myself. I don't want to be alone. After some time my tears ease and I'm not able to cry any longer. Again I'm feeling strangely weak despite the huge amount of food I've just eaten. I'm even close to blacking out it seems for my eyes are trying to slide shut again and again, simply ignoring my mind's order to remain open.
Constantly fighting the urge to close my eyes I feel panic rising in me. Maybe the body they gave me doesn't work properly and is dying right now. Maybe I've been injured as I crashed down from heaven a few hours ago. Maybe... may...be.... When I open my eyes the next time the sun is shining through the window, warming the floor and the bed I'm lying in. What... has happened? What have I done all this time? Was I unconscious? Am I still injured? Carefully flexing my limps I decide that I feel quite OK. OK? This is better than OK - for the first time since I've become human I'm entirely comfortable with myself.
Seconds later the door opens and my savior enters, followed by servants that once again carry trays of food. This time I chose deliberately what I eat, already knowing that I like some things better than others. He doesn't feed me again but stays well away from me, sitting on a chair at the far end of the bed. I miss being close to him - to anybody. I wish he'd just come over here and embrace and comfort me as he has done yesterday but as he doesn't move and I quickly push those thoughts from my mind, not wanting to bother him with these petty desires.
When I've finished eating I look up at him, for the first time wondering what he might be thinking about all of this. Does he even know that I'm the one he has watched yesterday? "Why... why don't you ask what has happened?"
He smiles softly and shrugs his shoulders. "It doesn't matter - you are my angel. If you want to tell me you will and if not it is not important. But say, how are you feeling? Is there anything you want?" Numbly shaking my head no I continue to stare at him, taking in every detail of my appearance. Now that I'm also mortal and can't see the way time works on him he's even more fetching, more beautiful. And his clothes too are different from the ones everyone else is wearing here - a long white robe with wide sleeves and a scarlet cross on it. These clothes, do they mean anything? "Why are you dressed this way?" He looks slightly shocked as if I had asked something he would have expected me to know. Was this inappropriate? "Well, because I'm a priest. A bishop in fact."
"And what is this? A priest?"
Now he's really shocked, his eyes wide and unbelieving. "You... you don't know...? A priest is a servant of god."
"But aren't we all servants of God? Then everybody is a priest."
"No, you get it all wrong. A priest is a very special kind of servant - a person that is chosen by the church and that is closer to god than normal people and that can sometimes represent him."
"Oh, then He talks to you? That is wonderful! Maybe you could ask for mercy in my name? I'd be so grateful."
"No, no, NO! Of course he doesn't talk to me! He never - well, almost never - talks to a human being. We just have a book where all his past words are recorded so that we can reread them and interpret them whenever questions arrive. And of course the highest priest can speak in the name of god. They say sometimes god talks to HIM but I don't believe it. It's just to add weight to his words." I don't say anything, overwhelmed. God never talks to men? How can this be - I know that he loves them just as he loves anyone. But maybe they are just too far from him, with their souls imprisoned in those confining bodies. Maybe that's why He won't talk too me as well, why I can't feel Him close by. He... hasn't really left me? But how do they live without that close contact? Without knowing that all encompassing love and understanding, the security that no matter what happens he will never abandon us. Not even me...
My savior is shifting uncomfortably in his chair, looking as if he had just said something he isn't entirely comfortable with himself. Then he looks right into my eyes. "Listen, I have to leave you alone for a few hours - there are some appointments I just can't cancel. If there is anything wrong just call the servants - they are instructed to give you anything you want. You will be OK, won't you? But ... there's something else you need to know: I've told everybody that you were the son of a Landlord who has gone bankrupt and died and that I took you in to make you my pupil. You mustn't say anything that could raise suspicions. If anybody asks questions just say that it is still too painful for you to talk about it. Do you understand?" "But ... why? Why do we have to lie? Why can't we just tell them the truth?"
"They wouldn't understand - they believe nothing but what they want to believe and they surely wouldn't accept that a boy that was found half-naked in the gutter is an angel. We have to give them a reason for your staying here they are able to understand." He's looking intently at me, pleading me with his eyes to accept this lie. Well, what else could I do? I don't want to cause trouble. When he sees me nod he sighs with relief. Is it really so important what other people think? And what exactly WOULD they think? He hugs me briefly then gets ready to leave. As he's all but out of the door he stops in his tracks, turning around at the last possible instant. "I never asked ... what is your name?"
"Izumi. My name is Izumi."
"Beautiful." He smiles at me one last time then the door closes behind him. What are those things that are so urgent that he has to leave me alone? A strange feeling washes through me and for a moment I feel like smashing something. What is more important to him than me?! It is over as abruptly as it has begun, leaving me emotionally exhausted. Why did I just feel this way about him?! As if he was my propriety or something. Sure, he's nice with me and has taken me in and everything but that doesn't give me the right to feel this way about him. Not at all...
After mentally scolding myself for another half an hour I grow really bored. Isn't there anything I can do? Standing up I take a few steps towards the windows but stop immediately when I realize that I'm still nude. Well, now I at least know what to do - find myself some clothes. Humans are so horribly touchy about their own bodies, keeping them covered from head to toe whenever possible. And he said that I mustn't raise suspicions. Looking around I discover a large wooden wardrobe in a corner and open it immediately, feeling a small pang of guilt for doing this without permission. Well, he told me that I could ask the servants for things and he surely wouldn't expect me to talk to them naked, would he? When I think this way about it what I'm doing seems almost right.
The clothes I find obviously belong to my savior - a lot of these strange white robes but also more common garments, like simple trousers and breaches, tunics and shirts. Of course everything is much too big for me but I'm in no position to be picky. I quickly struggle into a pair of trousers and pull a tunic over my head, almost fighting with the unfamiliar garments. In the end I roll up the sleeves and trouser legs and wind the belt twice around my waist, securing the baggy tunic. Once these little adjustments are made the clothes fit quite well. I wonder what I look like. Now that I'm properly dressed I might as well leave this room and take a look at the rest of the house. There are no servants in the hallway as I silently slip through the door, a fact I'm infinitely grateful of. I couldn't have stood being watched by all those curious eyes just now.
Though the house is big according to earth standards it is not nearly extensive enough to get lost in it. The rooms are exquisitely furnished, even I can see that now - always the same woods, always the same simple, immaculate style. Now and then I catch a glimpse at servants working and chatting but by and large it is quiet here, peaceful. When I reach the kitchen it is already noon. The cook seems to be surprised to see me down here but gives me something to eat without complaints, probably dreading his masters anger.
Chewing on a big slice of bread I go back up again and sit down beside the window, looking down into the sunlit backyard. Rosebushes and ivy are growing alongside the walls, large numbers of other flowers in the middle. My eyes slide shut again but this time I don't panic. It is just sleep... When I open my eyes the next time the shadows are considerably longer and a faint shade of red tinges the horizon. Already evening? I frown as I notice some movement at one of the walls. What? A young man is clumsily climbing over it, obviously in a frenzy to get away from something or someone. I give a small, frightened scream as all of a sudden a dark figure leaps down on him, something metallic glinting in the afternoon sun. I clamp my hand over my mouth as the pursuer catches up with his prey and repeatedly drives a dagger into that struggling body, blood staining grass and flowers red.
Suddenly the assassin lifts his head and looks up at me, eyes widening as if he had expected to see someone else. Then he smiles and slowly licks his lips, brown eyes sparkling cruelly. Frightened I immediately back off, moving out of his sight. My knees give out as I realize what I've just watched. That boy ... he is dead. Murder. This was just a murder!! Again and again the scene I've just watched is repeated in front of my mind's eye - the blood, the numerous wounds inflicted by that dagger, the assassin's crazed eyes, the sound of the body slumping onto the ground. Finally merciful darkness descends upon me. nach oben

PART 2

Keeping my eyes down I finally bring myself to answer. "Y... yes, I have committed a sin. Could you...?" He's smiling again, a wicked gleam in his eyes. "Of course. Come with me." Head down I walk after him, feeling dirtied, stained. I wonder how Akihito can do this without having a bad conscience but then, sometimes I doubt that he has a conscience at all. So lucky. Well, as long as he helps me clear mine I won't complain.
He takes me down into the cellar, strictly speaking into a small hidden chamber right next to the dungeon. I don't fight as he ties me to a wooden post right in the middle of room. What will happen now will be horrible but afterwards I will feel so much better. Still, as he strips me of my upper-garments I can feel my resolve melt away. I struggle vainly against my bonds, knowing that not even begging or reversing my orders could save me now. I wanted it like this, I keep telling myself, I wanted it like this...
Still, my back arches desperately as the first blow hits me, trying to get away from the pain. A futile effort. Soon tears are streaming down my cheeks, more and more blows raining down onto my tortured back, making me writhe with agony. But at least the knowledge that this is what I deserve helps me to endure this ordeal without begging. Finally something hot and liquid is trickling down my back and with a sigh of relief I realize that the whipping is over. I'm feeling better already, somewhat redeemed. But it isn't enough - it still isn't enough! What now? He won't continue after he's shed blood once, he never does. Heaven know I've tried to make him a few times in the past but nothing I said could make him change his mind. So strange that this is the only thing he ever refused me. Sobbing I force myself to lift my head and look at Akihito. "Please..." He's touching my face, my hair. For a moment he looks almost sad, a small frown creasing his otherwise smooth forehead. "Still not enough, love? Look, you are bleeding. Why are you torturing yourself over that silly boy? He just got what he deserved, nothing more and nothing less. You've suffered enough for him. Let it go." These hands that have been hurting me so cruelly mere seconds ago are now gentle, caressing me and soothing the tremors that are shaking my body and soul. But no, Akihito is wrong. I need to get this over with in order to be able to go on. As I don't say anything Akihito sighs softly and his hands grow rough again, tearing away the rest of my clothing. Tears are streaming down my face as he draws up behind me, tilting my hips so that he can comfortably penetrate me.
I press my cheek against the coarse wood of the post I'm tied to, waiting for the inevitable thrust forward. When it eventually comes I can't help but scream with the pain it brings upon me, pain intense enough to make me thrash wildly in a futile attempt to free myself. But all too soon I lack the strength to as much as lift my hand, his constant in and out draining my energy. By now every part of my body is aching - the burning welts on my back, the dull throbbing ache in my bound wrists and most predominant: the rhythmical explosions of pain in my abused anus. PAIN. I'm drowning in a sea of pain - pain that bans every coherent thought from my mind, that leaves me wonderful clear and bare of all guilt. Something close to a whirlwind is rising around me, gigantic hands lifting my from this abyss of agony. I am forgiven, God is forgiving me. For a moment I feel pure bliss, the wonderful security that everything is as it should be. When it is over I could have fallen to the floor from pure exhaustion but my bonds are holding me up, unrelenting.
Almost immediately Akihito is by my side, cutting me loose and gathering me into his arms. I let him help me up the stairs and into my room, my mind reeling with the aftermath of sensations. He takes me to bed, once again my lover brother. Brother? No, I don't think that he sees himself as my brother though what brought him to this I still can't imagine. Well for now I won't complain. My eyes slide shut and sleep is threatening to overwhelm me. "Mmmh, about Koji and that boy - watch them. I want to know what is going on there." To be continued... nach oben

Koji

Izumi

(Hirose)